just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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