Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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