Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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