it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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