Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
