I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He passed out mid-signature
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
