Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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