I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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