We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Come on in and take your pants off
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