The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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