if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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