Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
