Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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