My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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