And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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