i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
