Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
