Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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