I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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