Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
