We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
