Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
