I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
