no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
