I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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