her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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