life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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