i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
