sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
