Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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