So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
