I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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