I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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