I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
