So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
