How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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