On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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