Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
