how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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