I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
