You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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