so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
