Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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