I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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