i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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