Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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