i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
