We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
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