Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
