So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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