Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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