i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
