I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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