I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
