My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
