Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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