I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
